My Journey with {PPD & Anxiety}

Wow, is this really happening? I have gone back and forth and back and forth about writing these feelings down. It has been a real struggle to decide! I have come to the realization though that as tough as it is to write all this down, I never want to get some of the deep impressions I have felt on this journey through Postpartum Depression.

Not many people know, but July of last year (2016), I had an early miscarriage. I started hemorrhaging, did blood tests, and was told that with how early along I was, it was best to pass it all on my own. I was devastated. We were supposed to be headed out of town to the coast on that particular day, and this had put a huge damper on things. Both Jordan and I took turns crying on the drive out there. It was too early to say that I had "bonded" with our baby, but I can't describe exactly how I felt, other than overwhelmingly empty. Going through the emotional side of miscarrying is one thing, but the physical side of it was pretty overwhelming as well. Passing all the tissue was devastating. There wasn't a trip to the bathroom that I didn't come out in tears and each time felt like my heart broke all over again. The pain was extensive and nothing really helped. My sweet husband didn't really know what to do other than be thoughtful in everything he did for me. We pulled up to Ocean Shores, and the first thing we did was walk on the beach. This beach is my favorite beach on the Oregon Coast. I can't describe the peace that is felt there. There is hardly ever any people and you can walk for miles on serene beach while finding all sorts of coastal treasure. I love sand dollars and right when we got there, Jordan took Adalynn to find several that weren't broken to cheer me up. I didn't realize at the time how much it was meant to be that we had planned to go to Ocean Shores that weekend, but I truly feel that that is where we needed to be. At home, I would have cried non-stop and put myself in a dark hole. I truly feel that the beach at Ocean Shores helped me to heal through those grueling few days of physical and emotional pain. That place will always hold a special place in my heart.

Fast forward a few months....We were pregnant again! Yay! Of course, we were thrilled, but that also came with some serious ANXIETY for this mama. I was constantly worried sick that we were never get to meet this sweet baby that was now inside of me, just like last time. So much that it consumed me. From early on in my pregnancy, I listened to the heartbeat on the doppler at home as often as I could. It was sweet reassurance that everything was ok and I could breathe for a second. This is where I believe that the seed for my anxiety was planted. I had never worried so much in my life, especially for something that was completely out of my control. I couldn't stand that part. As a family, we prayed constantly for the sweet baby girl that was inside me to grow strong and healthy and join our family safely. Sometimes I would wake Jordan up at night in tears, wanting to say a prayer again "just to be sure." I felt that if I could just endure till I could get her here, life would be so much better. Ha nice thought right?!

I had a rough pregnancy & an extremely rough delivery. A failed epidural, uncontrollable pain from baby getting stuck, baby's heart rate dropping from lack of oxygen, and ultimately the NURSE delivering our sweet Savannah girl with a knot in her cord, NOT breathing. In a nutshell, my labor & delivery was a special kind of Hell. That is about the nicest way I can say it. But that didn't matter once it was over. I had quite the story to tell, but she was FINALLY here in my arms and was ok. I felt such a sense of peace and relief as I held and starred at her. It was about dang time for some of that pure bliss to kick in! Ha that was a nice thought too.....

Transitioning to two kiddos was a total game changer. Savannah was a totally different baby than Adalynn, so I felt like I was relearning again what I thought I already had down. That learning curve mixed with my very active 3 year old was hard. Like REALLY hard. I thought I would just never leave the house or shower again, but we were doing our best to figure it all out. I just kept telling myself that it would take a little time to adjust and get a groove down and then it would be more fluid. 

When Savannah was about 3 weeks old, we traveled to 8.5 hours to Idaho for my Jordan's Sister's wedding. Not ideal to be traveling with that little of a newborn, but it was family and hey, she was here safely right? I could protect her and control what happened right? I had it all planned in my head a thousand times.... keeping her tucked in a blanket on me to avoid germs from being passed around between so much family....Vowing to go to a hotel if things got overwhelming... Sticking to what I thought was best for our new baby and family during this special time. Jordan was on board and so supportive. I could tell that he really felt my Mama Bear instincts coming on strong. The long drive was uneventful and were grateful to be there and celebrate with family. We were then hit with a ton of bricks as Savannah was admitted to the hospital in Twin Falls the very next day. What I thought that we could control quickly went out the window and that lovely anxiety came charging back like it had never left. A little blocked tear duct had become aggravated and infected, which launched a full blown Staph infection. 3 week old Savannah was admitted with a 101.2 fever, which was above the danger level for a newborn that could cause seizures. On top of an unknown fever, she wouldn't stop crying, was extremely lethargic, and wouldn't eat. Due to her extensive crying, her blocked tearduct became irritated and caused her eye her swell very large and turn black and blue. The Doctors were concerned of her having possible Meningitis due to her fever being so high. If not caught asap, this has the potential to be deadly to newborns. I think I cried every tear I possibly could that day that she was in the ER and admitted into the hospital. They did so many tests & blood draws along with placing her IV. Thank goodness for Jordan because I don't think I would have been able to handle that day or weekend without my amazing husband. While we agreed that certain tests were necessary, as a mom, I couldn't watch as they did the spinal tap and everything else that was needed. I kissed and cried next to her and then waited in the hall while Jordan stayed with her, helping the doctors and making sure she was ok. While waiting for the cultures to come back during the weekend, I stayed at the hospital with Savannah. Jordan ran Adalynn around to rehearsals to be the flower girl and got everything we needed while up at the hospital. It broke my heart seeing all the cords hooked up to her and her oversized hospital gown they had rigged for such a small baby. I was so nervous just to hold her because of all the wires. Nevertheless, I snuggled her as often as I could. She was a fighter and had been a fighter since day one. I could feel such mighty strength radiating from her. My mom came up and sat with  Savannah so we all could go to Kerin's Wedding. It was beautiful and we were so grateful to still have been able to go. All I could think about while we were there though was that a piece of our family was missing. We went to take pictures and Jordan and I posed with Adalynn. It was such an uneasy feeling. That was our old normal. We had been looking forward to this wedding for some time and I had worked so hard to get Savannah here safely, and now this. Why?  I was still pretty emotionally raw from all that had happened that weekend, but we enjoyed the wedding and then hurried back to the hospital. She ended up being discharged at the end of the weekend with a healed eye, and cleared of the possibility of Meningitis. 

Ok so NOW the bliss was going to set in right?! The happily every after I had daydreamed about where we just enjoy being a family of four? Once again, I was very much mistaken. Reality stepped in once again...

Shortly after we got back to Washington, PPD depression ran over me like a freight train. And then backed up and ran over me again a few more times. All I can really describe it as is a rage that came over me. Rage, yelling, short fuse, the whole package... I woke up every day with my patience at a -100 and didn't even recognize the person I was. It took a while for me to admit that I for sure was suffering from PPD. Part of me knew it and the other part of me didn't want to admit it because I felt like if I did, that that was allowing it to fully take over my life. By this time, Jordan had expressed concern multiple times wondering what was wrong. I always gave the "I'm fine" answer and kept going. It was all I could do keep my head above water most days, let alone get out of bed, and even more get dressed out anything other than yoga leggings. I would cry from being so overwhelmed with the darkness I felt. One of the hardest things though was not being able to make sense of why I felt that way, let alone be able to explain how I felt to my husband. I kept asking myself why I felt so depressed and empty. People with bad lives were the ones that suffered from depression right? But I didn't have a bad life... I had an amazing husband who was so committed to being a great husband and father, involved with the kids and so helpful around the house. We were very financially stable and our needs were more than being met. We had a great marriage that wasn't free of flaws, but were both very much in love and committed to each other's happiness. We had 2 adorable little girls that were healthy and happy, along with amazing supportive family and friends. We had goals and tried hard to do our best to be good people & parents. So WHY on Earth was I feeling this way???! It was frustrating. Incredibly frustrating! A specific experience with Adalynn was the turning point to admitting that I had changed and was suffering from PPD.

I already felt somewhat distanced from Adalynn once Savannah was born. She needed so much of my attention all the time and I missed the quality time I used to have with Adalynn. I was so overwhelmed with always being needed, that again, my patience was in the negative on the daily. One morning while Savannah was napping, Adalynn came in our room and started lining her stuffed animals up on the small laptop table that was out. This caused my laptop to keep being pushed until it was dangling off the side of the table, able to fall on the ground. I quickly rushed over and grabbed it before it fell, seeing things flash before my eyes that it almost broke from falling. This split second reaction sent me into a yelling rage at Adalynn, telling her that she could have broke my laptop, how expensive it was, and that her stuffed animals didn't belong in our room anyways. Huge tears welled up in her eyes and she ran into her room crying. I had to take a double take at what just happened. Adalynn is a serious sassy pants and NEVER takes off running in tears. She normally has a sassy thing to say for just about anything she is told. So I knew that she was genuinely hurt....... I went in her room to find her crying on her bed. I softly explained to her why I was so upset. She looked up at me with still huge tears in her eyes and a quivering lip and said, "But mom, I just wanted to put on a puppet show for you!" That moment instantly broke my heart into a million pieces and took my breath away. Tears consumed me as I apologized over and over again to my little girl and told her how much I loved her. I called Jordan right away to tell him what had happened. I knew it wouldn't be as "big" of a moment for him to understand, but for me, it was a turning point to being more aware of this unknown depression that was stealing motherhood from me. I had to figure it out and overcome it. My girls deserved more. My husband deserved more. I deserved more.

I started reading all sorts of articles & quotes, trying to find the words to explain how and what I was feeling. I have always been pretty obsessed with two things. Pictures & words/sayings. These 2 passions have played a key role in navigating through this struggle. These 2 things were what explained how you felt when you simply couldn't find the right words (sayings) and moments that you never wanted to forget (pictures). I even pinned tons and tons of quotes and sayings simply because it felt so awesome to feel understood. Words have been so tangible to me more than ever before during this trial in my life.

It got to the point where Adalynn became very aware of my struggle and that made it hurt so much more. To be doing what you could to just keep going everyday and have your child ask you, "Are you happy Mommy?" I can still hear her little voice in my head asking that. How was I supposed to explain to her what was going on? I felt disconnected from everyone. Jordan walked on pins and needles most days trying to do all he could for me and around the house to somehow lift the burden I was going through. He would do anything even for just a half of a smile. I could tell that me being so unhappy was killing him inside. He felt like he was failing as a husband for me to be so unhappy with my life. That was the hardest concept to explain and make him understand. Depression doesn't always come from having a bad life. I was dying to tell him exactly what I was going through and have him truly & completely understand. That was impossible. It was so hard being pulled in 2 different directions. Wanting to spend every second with him and our girls, but also wanting to be anywhere but there. I would go from soaking in those soft precious moments, to a raging monster in a split second. It was destroying me and hurting our family.

While going through this extremely hard struggle, I now have an immense witness of how powerful Satan is. I can't even put into words the glimpses I saw. It kind of made me feel like I had a double personality. I had my normal self and then I had the dark side that had crazy thoughts with zero merit that somehow took over me in times of deep depression. It felt so weird to think to myself, "Where is this coming from? Why would that ever come into my head? That is so far from the truth!"

One night, I was in kind of a hole. Nothing crazy had happened to make me upset. It was just kind of a funk I was in. I started being overcome with 2 specific horrible thoughts. One was that Jordan was going to hurt me and the other was that something was going to happen to Savannah. Both of these scenarios had ZERO merit. Nothing had happened to EVER make me question if Jordan would EVER hurt me. So the one side of me was like "What the heck?! What his happening?! What is wrong with me?!" The other side of me was flooded with continued non-stop thoughts that I simply just couldn't shut off. It was such a deep dark place that I could barely breathe. We went up to bed that night and I went in to check on Savannah after having such horrible thoughts of something happening to her as well. What happened as I stood next to her crib was so tangible in my mind. It was very similar to when a mom has a delayed reaction to running to their child when something happens. I stood there and starred at her as she slept peacefully in her crib. I had the most powerful urges to pick her up right away and hold her so nothing would happen to her. Again, flooded with horrible thoughts that I would lose my baby and I must pick her up and protect her from harm. Yet I didn't. It was like I couldn't. Honestly like I was 2 separate beings with completely separate thoughts and actions. I couldn't move at all. I just stood there starring at Savannah.

I finally went and sat in bed with Jordan and he turned on a show. I don't even remember the show at all. I remember just sitting in bed with a blank ghostly stare of what had just happened. Jordan proceeded to ask for about the 100th time what was on my mind because he could clearly tell something was wrong. I couldn't speak. Like I said, there are no words for the dark place that I was at at the time. He asked a few more times until I randomly broke down crying in arms. I was afraid to tell him what had happened that night. Those 2 thoughts were borderline CRAZY. I didn't want him to think I was crazy or that I wasn't capable of being a mom. Or anyone else for that matter. He didn't. He was so sweet and understanding. I explained to him that I was afraid of people thinking I was crazy or suicidal for being so depressed and I wasn't. I just simply wanted answers to get better.

While I have never been suicidal during this struggle, I truly empathized for people who had committed suicide. Like I said above, the glimpses of such a dark place were horribly awful. They took my breath and speech away. I would tell Jordan all the time that I wanted to "run away." I just wanted to be happy and free from this struggle.

I used to be so annoyed when people would make comments about always taking so many pictures, posting moments on FB, or blogging our family happenings into a book. I didn't need the bragging rights or acknowledgement from others. It is an acknowledgment & documentation for ME of happiness. That it not only happened and exists, but takes me BACK to that moment to relive it all over again. Both pictures and sayings convey a specific feeling. When moments of happiness are so few and far between, you CLING to those desperately. Adalynn LOVES pictures and I love that! She will lay on our bed with me and scroll though tons of Instagram posts, reliving each moment and video. She laughs and smiles and tells me all about the moment she is looking at. It makes me so happy.

Ok, so I have mentioned Jordan a little bit, but let me dive into his role a little bit more. This man is amazing. His mercy, unconditional love, and support during this struggle have been unfathomable. God sent him to me for many reasons, this being a HUGE one. I cannot tell you how many times he would walk through the door to find me sobbing, wanting to jump off a cliff. He always managed to say the right words with a "go getter" attitude that we are going to get through this. That always really stuck with me. He always referred to it as "we" are going to get through this. This struggle put a big strain on our marriage and yet, he didn't think twice of being anywhere but right beside me with our girls. He always told me that this is what he signed up for when he married me and how much he loves me. While I was busy pointing out every single thing that was going wrong and every reason why I had a right to be bitter with God, he was listing our blessings and what we had going for us in our lives. At the time, I HATED that. Sometimes you don't want someone to "fix" all your problems. Sometimes you just need someone to sit next to you and CRY with you. As much as I hated him constantly telling me how blessed we are, I am thankful that is what he did. If not, I would have continued complaining of my misery and it would have eventually dug me into a deeper darker hole. Marriage isn't easy. And it definitely isn't easy when sometimes you need to lovingly put your spouse in check. He makes me want to be better. He would always suggest park outings or doing something to get my mind off of things and focus on having fun as a family. He would always make sure and say, "Ok everyone, let's take a picture and smile for Mommy!" If you know Jordan, you know that he HATES pictures. But that is the kinds of things that he did, because he was doing everything he could to savor those few happy times for me to hold on to. He knew that for me, they were BIG. He was so in tune with what I needed, even when he didn't completely understand what was going on in my head.

Aside from the effects of this struggle at home, it changed my relationships with friends drastically. Depression has a sly way of tricking you. You are dying to get out and socialize with friends, so you make plans. And then once your plans come, you start thinking of every reason you can come up with to cancel them. The anxiety of it was overwhelming. I had to force myself to follow through with plans sometimes or Jordan would convince me to go and tell me why I should. This was another "Ah Ha" moment for me. Moments that helped me to realize that this wasn't ME. I have always loved to socialize and have friends and get OUT. Again, this depression had a complete choke hold on me. It changed everything about me.

When I say "choke hold" I literally mean it. There was several times when this struggle would launch a full on panic attack. I literally felt like Satan had a choke hold on me and I physically couldn't breathe. There was a few times when I almost pulled over or rolled my window down just to get air. This was extremely scary. I have never experienced anything like this in my life.

I learned to live moment by moment. When I told some people that, they kind of looked at me funny, but it is the honest truth. I hated when people would make light of my situation with phrases like "The Lord won't give you more than you can handle!" or "One day you are going to miss this..." Honestly, I wanted to punch them in the face. Life is HARD sometimes. Like BREAK you hard. I can almost guarantee that he WILL give you more than you can handle, but what you do next is what matters. I took one moment at a time and I could breathe easier that way. It was easier to control my happiness in one moment verses worrying about being happy for the entire day.

I came across the quote:

"Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in everyday."

That was my means of survival at that point. To live moment by moment. And if it wasn't a great moment, then take time to reset and make the next moment count. Easier said than done right? Yes very much so, but I tried to live by that.

I had came home from an outing with friends and was showing Jordan some pictures. I took ^ this picture with my girls and for some reason really loved it. He looked at it and said, "Wow, I can tell that you are genuinely happy in that picture." I stared at it for a while and it took me back to that moment. I felt that happiness of being a mom and enjoying time with my sweet girls. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had finally made a breakthrough in progressing back to a place of happiness.

The truth is, being a mom or wife isn't going to get any easier. There is always going to be something and the chaos of young kids isn't going anywhere. It was all in how I moved forward. As long as I kept moving forward, I would make it, no matter how many times I had to "start over" in the next moment.

Things have progressively gotten better, but I am still far from where I need to be. I always think to myself, "How am I going to do it all?!" I dreamed for years of being a wife and mom. I loved kids and loved the commitment of marriage. Why does my life not look like what I had envisioned and had my heart set on for so long?

I received a group text about a few of my friends who were putting together a girls weekend in Portland to attend Time Out for Women conference. It was planned to stay over night in Portland and attend both days of the conference. I wanted to go so bad, but couldn't see how it was even remotely possible, so I quickly declined. Savannah has severe reflux, which complicates her being left for a long period of time. Jordan was adamant that I go. I kind of had a panic attack of how we would even do it. He assured me that it would all work out and repeatedly told me to go and that I needed it. I was uneasy about not being home with Savannah and meeting her needs. Adalynn was a piece of cake and Jordan was always so amazing with the girls. I looked forward to these plans for over a month.

The day before the conference, all heck broke loose. Savannah was teething hard core, and Adalynn had no voice with a hoarse cough. Seriously? Of all times for this to happen?! I struggled with still going and even moments before I was to be picked up, I was thinking of reasons in my head of what I could say to just stay home. I didn't feel like I fit in with groups of women anymore. I got another taste of the social doubt that came with my PPD. I felt so broken. So much so that I felt like I didn't belong and had a sign on my forehead that said "Broken." Nevertheless, I headed out with our group and girls weekend was underway. The minute I got in the car, I was so excited to be there. This was really happening and I couldn't wait.

We got into the conference and it started. The opening slide asked, "What does your heart need most?" The next slide said Peace. My eyes welled up with tears and I knew that is EXACTLY where I needed to be. I had felt so broken and that I wasn't enough for so long. As a mom and a wife, we are constantly needed, but not that weekend. It was MY turn to do something for ME. All during the speakers Jordan and I were messaging back and forth about how the girls were doing. Savannah was screaming crying from teething and Adalynn was screaming crying from being sick. This went on for over an hour. Jordan was overwhelmed with being able to comfort both of them at the same time, and I was a basket case feeling like I should be home taking care of them when they needed me. We had a break in the middle of listening to a speaker and music artist named Calee Reed. She spoke to my soul so much and the spirit was so strong. She talked about life being HARD. She had a 4 year old daughter, was recently divorced, and life didn't look like what she had planned. In between her speaking, she sang some really deep songs that touched me in so many heartfelt ways. At the break, I went out and talked to Jordan on the phone. He told me that he really didn't want to do this, but he needed me home at the end of the conference that night because the girls were not doing well. I was devastated and in tears. I had looked forward to this for SO long and it was finally time for ME. I felt like I gave and gave and gave and gave some more when I didn't think I had anything left to give for our family and I needed this girls weekend so bad. Where I didn't need to be needed and could just be with friends. I knew that he wouldn't have asked unless it was really really needed, but that didn't make it any easier. I was in tears. I didn't know what to do. I called my mom and told her the I just needed to cry to her for a minute. I knew she could relate and understand being a mom and needing time away from the chaos. We had a short chat and it made me link that who I am as a mom and as a wife is because of MY mom and what she taught me. My mom is one of the strongest women I know and therefore, my strength to always keep going with faith stemmed from her. We walked back into the conference and Calee Reed came back up on stage and coincidentally played/sang this song.....

I didn't cry. I bawled. Right away, I sent the video link to my mom, told her how much I loved her, and thanks for being the best mom.

Calee Reed continued to talk to us about trials and hardships, and how they affect how we feel about ourselves. Then she said the magic word... BROKEN. The same word I had been feeling for as long as PPD had sunk in. She then sang this song below....

This was one of my favorite songs of the entire conference. It felt like a huge hug from God, even though I had been bitter towards him. I felt such unconditional love from him and the spirit confirmed that. I have listened to this song several times since then and it give such strength and perspective.

Conference day 1 touched me so much that I couldn't imagine how much the next day would top that. I ended up being able to meet Calee Reed. Boy was that a treat. I felt like she was there that night to speak just to me.

I didn't end up needing to go home that night and was able to stay with the girls in Portland. It was a blast and I'm so grateful to have such amazing ladies as friends!

Day 2 of the conference was just as wonderful and had tear jerking speakers as well. The speakers had all different life situations and backgrounds to give inspiration about. Cancer, Losing a child in the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, culture differences, and younger widow.....

The quote kept coming to me about if we saw everyone else's problems in a pile, we would want ours back. That couldn't have been more true. I thought to myself, "Man what I am going through is cake compared to their trials. I'll take mine back gladly."

Another speaker from day 2 of Time Out for Women said, "It isn't called the plan of misery, it is called the plan of happiness." She continued recounting losing her daughter at Sandy Hook Elementary shooting and emphasized that it is our choice to LET the light in. That really spoke to me. I couldn't just sit in a dark hole and expect a miracle cure. It was MY choice to let the light in. Like I said previously, life will never be free from trials. But it is up to US to simply LET the light in. Light is different for everyone, but regardless of that, it is what helps you feel the Savior's love for you. I was flooded with thoughts of my sweet Adalynn always picking dandelion flowers to bring me that I sometimes shrugged off because we were in a hurry or my mind was elsewhere. Or how my husband always makes a priority to do the dishes and laundry because he knows how much it helps me. Or how he walks through the door randomly with flowers and a Dr. Pepper because being a mom is rough sometimes. Or the way Savannah always lights up when I walk into the room to pick her up out of her crib. That IS the light. It doesn't guarantee an amazing day free from pain or hurt. It DOES guarantee seeing the something good in everyday and changes your focus from dark to light.

After the conference, I couldn't wait to get home and hug my family. I was on such a high and felt like I had received so many answers. Reality quickly set back in and I felt a little set back. I wanted to cling so bad to the high I had at conference instead of reverting back to the yelling and impatient person I was slipping back into. I randomly re read my 12+ pages of notes from conference and tried to remind myself of impressions I had there, along with listening to several songs from it that had touched me. What was I going to do now? How was I going to move forward?

Several days after the conference, I was doing dishes one morning while Savannah was napping and Adalynn was upstairs playing. I had all sorts of thoughts running through my head about how bad I wanted to be better, but I just didn't know how I was going to do it all. I was still struggling with having time for so many other things in addition to being a good mom. A very profound moment then happened. While I was having all these quiet thoughts while doing the dishes, the spirit spoke to me, plain as day and said, "Being a mom is what you are called to do right now. Everything else can WAIT." I remember thinking like "Wow, did that just really happen?" Those words kept replaying in my mind over and over and more profoundly each time. After receiving that witness, I literally felt like a burden had been lifted and I could breathe a sigh of relief. I was so grateful for that quiet moment.

I wish I could write that after that moment, life was peachy, I loved my kids and husband perfectly, and boom, we lived happily ever after. Wouldn't that be nice?! It sure would be. But the truth is, I am an imperfect human loved by a perfect Heavenly Father. I sure want to try my best to move forward with faith, with the impressions I have felt, and experiences I have had. Some days I will and have fallen short. But that is ok. Again, moment by moment is the key to LETTING the light in. And if I can't seem to find my smile, I'll sit and reminisce with pictures and videos of sweet memories to get me back to that place of happiness.

If you are in that deep dark hole, don't give up. I will cry right next to you. I feel your pain and true sorrow. I've been there and haven't all the way left yet. But I'm headed in the right direction, one moment at at a time. We are all in this together <3